The Perils Of Snacking
by badly-knitted
Summary: Jack's sweet tooth causes a problem no one could have anticipated. Written for Prompt #019 – Sweet Tooth at fandomweekly.


**Title:** The Perils Of Snacking

**Author:** badly-knitted

**Characters:** Ianto, Jack.

**Rating:** G

**Spoilers:** Nada.

**Summary:** Jack's sweet tooth causes a problem no one could have anticipated.

**Word Count:** 977

**Written For:** Prompt #019 – Sweet Tooth at fandomweekly.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Torchwood, or the characters. They belong to the BBC.

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"I always knew your sweet tooth would get us into trouble one day," Ianto muttered, crouching beside Jack behind a parked car.

"You're blaming me for this? Seriously?" Jack asked incredulously.

"Keep your voice down!" Ianto glared at his lover before risking a quick peep around the end of their hiding place; thankfully there was no sign of pursuit so far. "It was alien chocolate, Jack! It came through the Rift! You of all people should know that anything arriving in Cardiff by that route is best treated with caution, but no. You were all 'Oooh, chocolate teddy bears!' And then you just had to bite the ears off one, didn't you?" He kept his voice low, but his annoyance still came through loud and clear.

"How was I supposed to know they were alive?" Jack whispered. "I mean come on, living chocolate? What're the odds?"

"Have you forgotten the choco-bunnies?"

"They weren't natural, they were created by accidental misuse of a replicating machine. I had no reason to believe that sentient chocolate might have evolved naturally somewhere," Jack hissed back.

Ianto sighed. "We can argue right and wrong later, if we survive this situation. What're we going to do? Mama Bear's more than a little annoyed over you eating the ears off one of her babies, I seriously doubt she's in the mood to accept an apology. She's on the warpath. An eye for an eye, or in this case most likely an ear for an ear, seems more her style, and her teeth looked a lot bigger and sharper than yours."

Jack's hands crept up to cover his ears protectively. "I didn't mean any harm; I was hungry."

"That's beside the point. We've got a six-foot tall chocolate bear after us, not to mention four chocolate bear cubs, one minus its ears. We can't hide here all night hoping the sun will shine in the morning and melt them. It's only going to be a matter of time before they find us anyway. Any brilliant ideas?"

"I'm thinking."

"Well think faster."

Jack frowned intensely, deep in thought, then suddenly… "I think I've got it!"

"I'll probably regret asking, but what's your brilliant plan this time?"

"We'll need chocolate. There's a sweet shop just around the corner, it has a back door onto that alley." Jack pointed to a dark gap between buildings a few metres away from them. "We just have to get in there."

Ianto rolled his eyes. "You want to stop for snacks now? Unbelievable!"

"No! We need the chocolate to make new ears for baby bear to replace the ones I ate. I figure if we can melt some chocolate into ear shapes, Mama bear might be more reasonable."

"Worth a try I suppose."

They made it to the alley without being spotted; chocolate bears apparently didn't have very good night vision. Ianto picked the door lock and let them in. Fortunately, the confectioner's had the facilities to melt down chocolate and thanks to Ianto's ingenuity, and knowledge gleaned from a childhood visit to a chocolate factory, they were able to construct a tray of bear ears in various sizes.

"I have to say, this hasn't been your best idea," Ianto said, picking up the tray. "I just hope it works. I'd better go out there alone though; Mama might be more willing to listen to me since I wasn't the one snacking on her baby. Wish me luck."

"Good luck." Jack leant across the tray and kissed Ianto thoroughly. "I'll keep out of sight, just yell if you need me and I'll be there, guns blazing."

"Do bullets work against chocolate?"

"No idea."

"Really not comforting." Taking a deep breath, Ianto stepped out of the shop, made his way into the street, and cautiously approached the chocolate bears.

Mama growled a warning and Ianto stopped. Picking up a chocolate ear, he mimed sticking it on the side of his head, then pointed at the injured cub. After several repetitions, Mama Bear seemed to get his meaning, warily leading her earless baby towards him. Ianto set the tray down and knelt in the street. When the bears reached him, he slowly lifted an ear and looked at Mama. She growled softly.

Ianto tried one ear after another until he found a pair that looked about the right size, then stuck them in place with melted chocolate. Amazingly, it seemed to work, the ears melding with the little bear's head as if they belonged. Mama Bear growled her approval. She cuffed Ianto lightly with a big chocolate paw, knocking him on his arse. He hoped that was her way of saying 'Thanks.'

Raising her right arm, the bear used her other forepaw to press a series of buttons on the sleeve of the tunic she wore. With a dazzling golden flash, a Rift portal opened a few metres down the street. Mama shooed her cubs towards it and through, glancing back briefly at Ianto and raising one paw in what Ianto assumed was a farewell before following them. The portal snapped closed, leaving everywhere looking darker than before.

Jack appeared at Ianto's elbow, plucked one of the leftover chocolate ears off the tray and bit into it. "Mmmm, these are pretty good," he mumbled, mouth full. "You should try them!"

"You're unbelievable," Ianto grumbled. "Your chocolate craving's what got us into that mess in the first place!"

"Hey, it's not like the shop could sell these or anything. What's the point of wasting perfectly good chocolate?"

"Good point, I suppose." Ianto shrugged helplessly, selected an ear, and took a bite, chewing thoughtfully. "You're right," he finally agreed, "this is very good chocolate."

"Who knows, maybe one day chocolate ears will catch on."

"Stranger things have happened." Ianto grinned. "As long as they're not attached to any more chocolate bears, we should be okay."

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The End


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